Cabana Boy Wanted

Serious Inquires Only

A substantial percentage of the saved photos in my phone are of men in short shorts. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been “joking” about being wealthy enough to hire a Cabana Boy for the better part of a decade. The fact that I’m still not there is tragic, but understandable. Ambition has never been my strong suit - it requires a level of decision making skills that I didn’t have until sort of recently. Now that I’m dead set on being a notable writer, the kind who has a lake house and a pool that needs servicing, the Cabana Boy fantasy is back in full swing.

You may be wondering, ‘What is a Cabana Boy’? If that’s true, I’m sorry you haven’t had the pleasure of knowing true sensuality until just now. Sit down, take a sip of a freshly shaken Mai Tai, and listen. The Cabana Boy lives to serve. He is intuitive, spreading coconut scented sunscreen on your back before the sun has its way with you. He is caring, refreshing your cocktail before the heat threatens to kill your precious rum buzz. He is strong and knows how to perform CPR. The Cabana Boy exists in a portal that is chlorine-scented and timeless.

My fantasy began long ago, a result of watching the Tom Cruise movie ‘Cocktail’ before my brain had fully developed. Whenever I’d go the beach, I’d clock the one dude in a Speedo and keep him in my sights as long as possible. The audacity of a male bikini thrills me still. A man at his most visible and vulnerable. If you take that man and put him to work, you have the most potent aphrodisiac in the whole world. My love language is firmly ‘Acts of Service’, and the Cabana Boy lives to serve.

What are the requirements for a true Cabana Boy?

• He must be tan

• He must know the difference between Creme de Coconut and Coconut Milk

• He should be charming, but quiet

• Shower, not grower

• Non-union

  

  We accept Cabana Boys of all ages.

To be clear, this is not a sexual or romantic position. It is pure fantasy and delight. He is the equivalent of a Magic Mike movie, albeit with more alcohol. He fans you when the heat becomes too oppressive. He smiles, but he does not love you. He does not touch you. He cashes your checks. He is an employee of the house and because of that, his hospitality skills are off the charts. I am not exercising a lack of power in the real world for full power over my Cabana Boy. I would simply be receiving services that enrich my life. That is the point of the Cabana Boy. And also, fresh towels.

A great job for the right candidate.

Does this position sound appealing to you? Can you wait about five to ten years for my riches to accrue? If so, please message me directly.